The Trouble with Promises

Have you ever made a promise you didn't want to keep? This happened to me recently.

I received an unexpected call from a radio show in Charleston, South Carolina. The caller asked me if I was ready to be interviewed.

No, I was not. Although I usually note pending interviews (and any other appointments) in my calendar, I hadn't made a note of this date two months ago, when the initial arrangements were made. To add to the confusion, I also hadn't received the two reminders the station had sent me.

I felt totally unprepared and very apprehensive about risking that an unknown number of people would hear me acting like an idiot. This, not incidentally, forms the foundation of many of my fears about marketing work, and it was easy for me to figure out how I "forgot" this appointment.

Since I had about a thirty-second window of opportunity to make a decision, the above thoughts flashed very quickly through my mind. Others joined them. First, and most important, I'd promised the interview, and I consider a promise a responsibility. In line with that commitment, I thought about the announcer, who would be faced with a gap in his programming and about listeners, who might be looking forward to the interview.

In the interests of full disclosure, I confess that the promise, as a matter of integrity, decided me. You've probably been in similar situations where keeping your word trumped all other considerations. In such situations I've discovered that I can either A. Endure a situation and remind myself that I'm a good person
B. Suffer through it with accompanying resentment
C. Turn it around and have my promise lead me into finding possibility in my circumstances

C., of course, sounds very attractive, but it also sometimes seems unattainable. I can't remember how many times I've unknowingly chosen B., making the fulfillment of a promise I already didn't want to keep much worse by reminding myself how much I didn't want to do it.

I find two lessons in this.

The first is to make promises wisely. If I have a negative feeling about it, I'd do better not to make it. Maybe a good person keeps her promises, but she doesn't have to agree to every request.

A classic example is one of fidelity between partners or spouses. Do not make this promise with your fingers crossed. Don't agree because you think it's the right thing to do. Don't make it with the anticipation that you'll break it. Don't even make it in a spirit of resentment, i.e., "This is what I have to do to have the relationship I want, but I don't like it."

The most important promise you can ever make is to be true to yourself, to honor and listen to your feelings, to thoughtfully consider any reluctance, and to come to a decision that sits comfortably with you.

I promised to take on the radio interview because to be true to myself as an author in these times, I need not only to write but also to take every opportunity I can get to move through my resistance to self-promotion. That's a commitment I have to myself.

Having decided to keep this commitment, I also decided to find a way to make its fulfillment enjoyable. I reasoned that the topic, questions based on my book, Animals Have Feelings, Too, was one I knew quite well. If even one human companion got an insight into ways to resolve an issue with a cat or dog, my time would be well spent. Finally, I told my reluctant self that I might have fun.

My commitment paid off. Bob Charles, who interviewed me, was friendly, knowledgeable about my book, and passionate about animals. He asked useful questions. Listeners from around the world asked more. I spent an entertaining hour talking about cats, dogs, and Bach Flower Remedies.

Bob described me as one of the nicest people on the planet. I'm sure there's a very long line ahead of me, but I didn't mind hearing it. I have been invited to return to the show.

Overall, it was a huge win, mainly because I kept my promise, not just to Bob but also to myself.

And the life lesson was priceless.

If you'd like to hear the interview, the link is below. As I noted above, it's about an hour long.

Interview on the Bob Charles Show

I haven't posted on this blog for a long time, mainly because of personal disruptions that shifted my priorities elsewhere. I won't say life has gone back to normal, but last night in reading the poem below, I realized that it's time to shift my priorities back to where they belong. I intend to do what is right for me.

The Voice

There is a voice inside of you

That whispers all day long,

“I feel that this is right for me,

I know that this is wrong.”

No teacher, preacher, parent, friend

Or wise man can decide

What’s right for you– – just listen to

The voice that speaks inside.

Shel Silverstein

Paying it Forward and Also Back

I'm getting authorial this month by participating in a collective promotion for indie authors, Indiethon May. The authors will have articles posted on the blogs of others. I will have two guests this month.

I find such group activities to be one of the nicest aspects of independent publishing. It's a great way to meet nice people—much better than parties, which I generally don't like.

It also gives readers a chance to discover some new authors. I welcome you to visit the central site for this experience at indiethon.com

My book, Big Dragons Don't Cry, will be featured on Saturday. If you're not familiar with it, this is where it lives on Amazon. The dragon gets lonely and would like visitors.

I'm Doing This Because? Have a Reason That Makes Your Heart Sing

In the early 1990s I moved to upstate New York from Manhattan. The shock of seeing mountains and trees instead of skyscrapers and sewers awakened a sudden urge to learn watercolor. (Until that time, my experience in painting had been in high school art classes.)

In the beginning of the watercolor journey, I had clarity of intention. I wasn't aiming at fame or commercial success but to approach painting as a kind of active meditation. Since I was aware of the healing power of color, I believed that working directly with pigments would provide balance and vibrancy to my life. Finally, the flowing nature of watercolor appealed strongly to me.

It was important for me to have these clear intentions. It would have been also good if I'd remembered them.

While I was learning technique and developing talent, I loved painting. After a while, though, I fell prey to the lure of exhibitions and sales. I started to get less enjoyment from painting.

One of my errors was that I didn't consciously decide that I wanted my work to appear in shows and to sell them. I drifted into that longing without owning it and deliberately setting goals. My much greater error was allowing the idea of material success to both overpower and diminish the joy in the act of creation.

This is the fallacy of deferred gratification, which can be expressed as "I will be happy when ————." The foundation of this fallacy is that idea that one struggles and suffers in the service of some distant notion of happiness. Happiness is there and then, not here and now. In other words, it's never, because by the time one reaches a goal (like being juried into an artists' association, selling the first painting, etc.), one can too easily decide that the real goal is a show of one's own, the winning of an award, or whatever sits on the distant mountaintop you must scale.

I'm not speaking against goals. I'm speaking for balance and the idea that any goal that crushes the joy of creating is way too heavy.

Solution

Look at your life. Where is joy missing?

In narrow terms, maybe you used to play the piano, but when you realized you weren't going to play Carnegie Hall, you stopped.

In more general terms, maybe you used to love your job, but you became very competitive, and the idea of promotion became more important than the creativity of problem solving.

Maybe you had children because you wanted to help new beings grow and flourish, but somewhere around the 900th load of diapers, the joy drained away.

Don't let your survey discourage you. That area of your life is like a fire that's gone out from lack of tending. Go back to your original intentions and re-experience. Poke that fire until sparks begin flying. If you commit yourself to this revival, a steady flame will begin to burn. Warm yourself before it, and don't forget to add more wood.

This Week's Post is Short

Very short. Because I am humbled at the moment. (It won't last.) I've just finished watching a video about Louise Hay, best known for her book, You Can Heal Your Life.

If you're familiar with her work, you'll enjoy this video.

If not, consider giving it a look.

Creativity can express itself in many forms, and every moment in life calls us to either choose to do what we've always done or to choose to move forward into a dangerously exciting and creative future. You Can Heal Your Life

Micromanaging the Universe

I once read an interview with Deepak Chopra in which he said that generally people spend their lives in activity and rarely, if ever, take time out for contemplation, or to simply be in their own presence, unaffected by outside distractions. We are, he concluded, not human beings, but human doings.

Lately I've been realizing how much I am a human doing. My secret (sometimes even to me) ambition is to micromanage the universe. In thinking about the source of this urge, I traced it to the fight/flight instinct.

It stems from the most primitive part of our brain, sometimes called the reptilian brain. However, what makes us different from the reptiles is that they had a more accurate perception of danger. They didn't spend most of their time fighting or fleeing.

We humans expose ourselves much more to what looks like danger. In addition to what we hear and see on news programs, other forms of media can affect us.

I was watching a program on the Internet today when a commercial came on. It advertised a TV series about a serial killer. Featured in the clip were bodies, gunfire, and blood. Anyone who watches this program will be treated to many more multisensory prods that tell the undiscriminating primitive brain that it's in danger. This kind of sensory input encourages us to see threats everywhere and magnify or misread ordinary occurrences.

INTERMISSION

I had written the first part of this blog when I had to go for a dental appointment. (Now, that is a true threat.) On my way there, I saw a car parked in my lane. It had probably broken down, and all I thought was that I would be late for my appointment. Enter road rage.

A truck pulled up behind me, blocking my view of the next lane. Then the driver got out, causing even further obstruction of my view. Magnify road rage. Then, to my surprise (and chagrin), I saw that he was directing traffic so that drivers in my lane could safely move to the other lane.

That emphasized to me that my insistence on doing could cause me to see a threat where none exists. When I came home, I made a list of the reasons why DOING is so important to me.

I'm nervous if I don't DO.
I get scared if I don't DO.
I'm afraid to BE.
They'll sneak up on me.
They'll DO.
And I'll be DONE.
I'm not worthy if I don't DO.

Then I made some notes in favor of BEING.

When I am BEING,
I'm allowing intuitions and insights to flow in.
I'm opening the door to inner creativity.
I'm receiving guidance about how and when to DO.

When I'm scared, angry, or in other ways dancing to the tune of the primitive brain, I can never find a creative solution to any problem. It's in that place of BEING that creativity flourishes. BEING conserves our mental and emotional energy and allows it to flow in the direction of a creative solution.

If you need a reminder to just be, consider doing one of the following:

If a cat is in your life, study it. Cats have the art of being down. If that cat jumps into your lap, relax into the experience, paying special attention to its purring (which may be the best tranquilizer around).

Squirrels and birds also offer opportunities for observation. They are both known to sit on branches for extended periods of time in apparent contemplation.

Basically, if you watch any animal long enough, you will find that it's a master of being.

Another of my preferred routes to being is to listen to one of my favorite Beatles songs.

Let It Be http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=RdopMqrftXs

Valentine's Day Sale

Today's hottest ebooks are on sale under $5 from Feb 14-16 only! Mystery, romance, young adult - there's something for everyone ...

... including the chance to win 1 of 4 $25 Amazon gift cards!

Check out the Indie Book Festival's Valentine E-book Sale!